So what did Don LaFontaine do?

In 1969, he filled in for an absent voice actor and started on his way to success.  Since that time, Don morphed into the rich, throaty voice of cinema.  It’s hard seeing a movie trailer made in the last 30 years without Don starting it off with “In a world…” or “One man…” With a in house recording studio in his Hollywood home, the man was unstoppable.  Flixster.com says:

Aside from his continuing work in the trailer industry, he has also been the voice of NBC, CBS, ABC, Fox and UPN, in addition to TNT, TBS and the Cartoon Network. By conservative estimates, he has voiced hundreds of thousands of television and radio spots, including commercials for Chevrolet, Pontiac, Ford, Budweiser, McDonalds, Coke, and many other corporate sponsors. At last count, he has worked on nearly 5000 films, including appearances as the in-show announcer for the Screen Actors Guild and Academy Awards. Based on contracts signed, he has the distinction of being perhaps the single busiest actor in the history of SAG.

In the world of entertainment it’s unheard of that one person can monopolize such an important aspect of media.  No man was as popular in his own field than Don.  That is the reason I find his life and career so fascinating.  Don Lafontaine was a pro in every sense of the word.  He was excellent.  Don’s status and legacy is  something for all artists to not only aim for, but also to admire.

“…Remember, practice doesn’t make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect.”

-Don LaFontaine (1940-2008)

“What would it take for a boy about my age to hear cheers in his head upon that stage, and the cheers that would drown out the tears from my brown eyes?”

His journey to that stage was helped along when K’naan landed a speaking gig at the United Nations.  In 1999 K’naan, in a spoken word poetry piece, addressed the failures of the UN’s High Commissioner for Refugees pertaining to aid missions to Somalia.  Singer Youssou N’Dour caught the performance and invited K’naan to work with him, thus leading to K’naan’s opportunity to tour the world.

Other artistic collaborations reveal K’naan’s eclecticism. From Mos Def and Damien Marley, to Maroon 5 and Metallica, Somali’s biggest hip-hop artist has worked himself into the American music scene with seemingly little effort.  That’s not to say he’s not a thinker.

It’s obvious to anyone who listens to K’naan’s music that deep sentiment and life
experience drives his art.  While rapping very articulately and thoughtfully, his lyrics can make you think, chuckle, tear up and Caucasian or not, you will bob your head.

But, let’s let K’naan to speak for himself. Here’s some selected lyrics off of Troubadour:

I was so worried, and hurt to see you bleed,
But as soon as you came out the hospital you gave me sweets.
Yeah, they try to take you from me
But you still only gave ‘em some prayers and sympathy.
Dear mama, you helped me write this by showing me to give is priceless.
Take A Minute

Is it true when they say all you need is just love?
What about those who have loved only to find that it’s taken away?
Why do they say that the children have rights to be free?
What about those who I’ve known whose memory still lives inside of me?
Fatima

No magic from David Blane. No painter to paint this pain. No Morgan Freeman to narrate this shame. So, she took refuge in prayer kind of like finding God in a phonebook. It came to her sounding something like a song hook.
People Like Me

A track I’d be remiss to neglect is the clever ending of the album “Does it Really Matter?” K’naan ironically points out typical Hip-Hop trends such as auto-tuning, pitch shifting (known as “the drop”), and writing hooks instead of songs. All this while occasionally imitating other rapper’s style and diction.

Hey, you need a single. Single to make a mingle, something that’s kinda simple. I would hate to call it jingle. A single is a missile; takes you right to the middle of 106&Park and maybe Jimmy Kimmel.
Does it Really Matter

Please check out K’naan’s work at knaanmusic.com.

My Wife Found Out About My Mistress–Now You Can Have Her

Things were going along just fine for the last few years. She and I had occasion to meet regularly, sometimes every evening in a week, if only for a few minutes at a time. We had one of those relationships where everything just seemed to click. It was like she was made for me.

But then my wife found out.

You could say she wasn’t very happy with how I was spending my time. You could also say the Grand Canyon is a good-sized hole in the ground. So now I’m left with the unpleasant task of having to find a new companion for my mistress. Normally I’d just walk away, no strings, no fuss. But I just can’t bring myself to do that to her. It’s a curious thing, but once you meet her I’m sure you’ll understand. Let me tell you a little bit about her.

She’s blonde, but not one of those blondes you see on the street every day. No bottled, bleached, fakey blonde here. Just beautiful, natural, rich blonde of the most enticing hues. In sunlight it’s almost mesmerizing.

I’ve never been anywhere with her that people didn’t comment on how beautiful she is–women as well as men. It’s just how she is–it’s like people can’t help but say something when they see her. I know how they feel. I’ve felt that way ever since I first saw her.

How did we meet? Well, that’s a story all in itself. Funny thing is, she comes from a family of beauties. Before I met her, I saw one of her sisters out with a friend of mine. Being the witty guy I imagine myself to be, I asked that ever-original question, “Does she have a sister?” My friend, enjoying a good laugh at my expense, asked what I would like if I could have anything I wanted. I told him, but it wasn’t until over a year later that I found out I had described her to a T. I was stunned the first time I saw her–even more stunned when he told me she was willing to go home with me.

Well, I couldn’t take her home, of course, and so started our clandestine relationship. We would never be seen in public by anyone who knew me. I much preferred to stay in with her anyway–who needs a smoky night club when you have companionship like her?

And what companionship! Words can hardly describe her. Slender, with curves in all the right places–if you know what I mean. Her favorite outfit is nothing but a little gold above the neck and around her waist. Seductive doesn’t even begin to describe the nature of that look!

Speaking of looks, here are a few pictures so you can have a look at her. If you’re interested in taking her home with you, please contact me. I won’t let her go with just anyone, but if the terms are right, I’m sure we can come to an agreement. Just do youself a favor: if you’re married, don’t let your wife find out. On the other hand, I’m told there are women who would love to have her in their house, too. I don’t know about any of that, but as long as it’s a good home, I’ll be happy for her.
Now that I have your attention, here are the details. This is a custom-ordered 2002 Paul Reed Smith McCarty Hollowbody II. I really did wait 13 months for delivery. Why am I selling? I’m shifting away from instruments (of course I have too many!) and into my recording studio gear. This guitar has never been played out. It’s in beautiful condition. Here are some features:

- Carved flame maple top and back. I didn’t order a 10 top, but I’ve never seen closer to perfect with better flame–front or back. The clear natural finish really shows the wood off, and with the gold hardware it has a very unique character.
- Mahogany sides and neck (wide fat)
- 22 frets; 25-inch scale length
- Rosewood fingerboard
- Abalone bird inlays (added option)
- Archtop Treble and Archtop Bass humbucker pickups with gold covers
- 3-way toggle, volume and tone knobs
- Stoptail
- Locking gold tuners with ebony knobs (added option)
- Gold hardware (added option)
- Leather archtop hard case
- All original tags and paper included

I’d like to find a home for this guitar that would put her in the hands of a player who can do her justice. That’s not me. I once had a conceit that my playing would rise to the quality of the guitar, but I’ve had to face the hard truth that I’m a techie and a voice guy, not a player. If you’re the player for her, let me know. Serious inquiries only. Cash, money order or PayPal only. $4100.00

Preface to this story:  My name is Ian Bauer. I write for Refocus Magazine. In April of 2009 I was called back to audition for Season 4 of NBC’s America’s Got Talent.  This was my blog entry from that time.

It’s exactly 15 minutes past midnight. Which means for my friends in Chicago, it’s 2:15am and my friends in Massachusetts it’s 3:15am. I cannot sleep. I’m not nervous, not excited and unfortunately not tired. To my right is an amazing view of downtown Los Angeles. Blurry orange lights that go on for miles. Every so often a plane can be seen thundering it’s way to the runways of L.A.X, where, according to Google maps, I am 6 minutes away from. Also, there’s palm trees. The weather was misty and cool when we got here. I trekked my way down the road my hotel is on to find fast food restaurants, strip clubs, LAPD roaming about and oh yeah, did I mention palm trees?

A few hours earlier . . .

Having just boarded, I sat in between a well dressed man reading Forbes magazine and a woman who while I’m sure is awesome with chopsticks is not so much with English. I turned to my left and asked “Do you do business in LA?” He works for a toy manufacturing company. I told him I’m originally from Massachusetts but have been living in Chicago for about two months. Turns out that Chicago was only his connecting flight and he was actually coming from Chicopee, Massachusetts. Only a short 40 minutes from where I live. Small world, huh? He told me a brief history of downtown LA in detail and used sentences such as “Due to the economic turbulence we’ve been experiencing…” You lost me at “due.”

Prior, during and after our flight I kept running into a group of about 7 or 8 girls that are also auditioning for the show. Each come from all over Illinois and are apparently state ranked numbah one in the art of dance.

On the plane ride (which felt like a million hours (actually four) (technically two due to the time difference)) I had time to think and pray. I find that God speaks to me most in the silent pockets of my prayer time.

This whole situation of being selected to audition for a national television show in LA has caused much attention and joy from friends. I am so touched that they share in the excitement. That is good friendship. Such exhilaration has caused a lot of “Dont forget me when you’re famous!” Let me say; I’m not banking on becoming famous this week. I feel very lucky to be in this situation.

Because of that, my main prayer recently is that God would keep me humble. What a funny thing to pray because, He doesn’t just change my attitude. He puts me in uneasy situations and opportunities to humble myself before Him and others. That’s a tough thing.

Also a quick thing about God answering another prayer of mine. I was planning on coming home this weekend. Before getting the callback from NBC I was trying to figure out how I would make it. A plane ticket was too expensive and a train ride was 20 painstaking hours I’d rather not deal with. Well, “due to the economic turbulence we’ve been experiencing” I bought a train ticket. The earliest I could get was Friday night which means I would arrive home worn out and tired Saturday evening. I was sooo not looking forward to it. Little did I know, the next day I would be getting an email from NBC’s travel coordinator that basically said “Here you go Ian, here’s a plane ticket home this Thursday. It’s on us.” Like Jesus would say; totally a God thing.

There you have it: that’s been my evening. Tomorrow we are to be camera ready and waiting in the lobby at 2:15pm. For my friends in Chicago, that’s 4:15pm, and for my friends in Massachusetts, that’s 5:15pm. To myself, that’s an eternity.